I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
