If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
