Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize