Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
