i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
