I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just gift wrapped bread.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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