Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
