Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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