i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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