she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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