Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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