Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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