She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
