I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
