Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
