You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
