I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
