I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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