What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize