is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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