hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
