the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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