Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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