She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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