Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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