this just has baby written all over it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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