If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The uberlube is also flammable
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize