I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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