if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
love makes seman taste better
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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