I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
