not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Randomize
