You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
