Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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