I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
