I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
