We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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