i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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