Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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