just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
