He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
