I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
