I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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