i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize