Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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