The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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