Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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