I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
