I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
