I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize