No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
