I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize