New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize