i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize