You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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