saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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