Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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