I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
