Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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